So They Say
by Limpid Eyes
Summary: While trying once more to write an article on Ikebukuro's strongest, the journalist Niekawa Shuji accidentally discovers the Heiwajima Shizuo Fan Club.  A fill for the kink meme.
1. The Journalist's Story

**Original Prompt (Greatly Abbreviated):**

_There is a group within Ikebukuro with a fascination. The groups very existence is to catalog this fascination. This group is known as THE HEIWAJIMA SHIZUO FAN CLUB! _

**Disclaimer:**

_Durarara!_ and its characters do not belong to me. I merely exploit them for my own fun.

**Author's Note:**

In case people can't remember, Niekawa Shuji is the journalist that appears briefly in the series. He's in both the light novel and the anime. I don't really know where he appears in the light novel, but he's in Episode 15 of the anime.

Some lines in the first chapter are verbatim fansubs of the episode in question, but the rest is me.

* * *

><p><strong>SO THEY SAY<strong>

An Exclusive Interview with the Heiwajima Shizuo Fan Club

(Niekawa Shuji)

* * *

><p><em>I'm flying.<em>

… _Again._

That is the only thought that passes through my mind before I hit the asphalt hard.

Just like last time, all I wanted was to learn: about Ikebukuro, about the source of energy for this refuse-packed city, about the truth behind this city that continues to swell with desire every day. But mainly… about the strongest man in town.

After the disastrous article-that-wasn't last year, I was once more hired to write an article on Ikebukuro's strongest. The difference was that this time, I knew exactly who I was gathering information about.

Who is Ikebukuro's strongest, you ask?

By nigh unanimous agreement, the title belongs to one Heiwajima Shizuo, ex-barista (and ex- many other things, actually) and current debt collector. Also known as – to me, at any rate – the man in the weskit who won't hesitate to hurl a grown man and a street lamp at the brief mention of his celebrity brother.

The air around him is different. That was the only way I could describe it back then, and it's still the only way I can describe it now. He has a sort of _presence_. Heiwajima is a volatile man, the very incarnation of the violence he hates. Such a peculiar being, furiously wringing me by the neck one moment then calmly talking about his job the next. I remember the moment with frightening clarity (probably because I thought it'd be my last moment on earth, but I digress).

"You ass, making me resort to violence!" Shizuo had growled while throttling me. "Are you a god? Are you just pretending to be one? _Huh?_"

"Hey, Shizuo, we're going," his employer had cut in.

Then he had dropped me and had nonchalantly said, "Okay," before strolling away as if he had not nearly murdered me.

Amidst my everyday life of writing gossip articles for a third-rate magazine, he'd revived that pure feeling I'd felt during my younger days. A curiosity. Yes, an intense curiosity. I wanted to know everything about him. And this same feeling persisted months later until the present. Which leads me to my current predicament, that being my possible concussion and broken ribs.

Like for my last article, I decided to start collecting information from those around him. But this time, everyone was highly cooperative. _Eerily_ so.

And thus, I accidentally discovered the existence of the Heiwajima Shizuo Fan Club.


	2. The Informant's Story

[ _A few days earlier, a Friday afternoon…_ ]

I swallow nervously and knock on the door to the expensive apartment in front of me. I remember the last time I was there, and I also remember trying to calculate whether or not I could ever afford living in a similar place. The answer I provided myself with was something like, "Hahaha, oh Shuji you jokester." As in "no". The shiny doorknob reminds me of the great disparity in wealth between the apartment's owner and myself by comically warping my stubbled and tired face.

A rather sour looking woman opens the door. "Are you the journalist Niekawa-san?"

Nodding, I say, "Yes, I'm here for the intervi—"

"He's waiting for you inside," she interrupts, ushering me inside the familiar office.

"Ah, Niekawa-san, it's a pleasure to see you again~" lilts a singsong voice with a childish quality that, I learned empirically, is most definitely faked.

The swivel chair behind the large wooden desk turns to face me, and I see Orihara Izaya once again.

* * *

><p><strong>The Informant: Orihara Izaya's Story<strong>

* * *

><p>"You are writing about Ikebukuro's strongest again?" he says, a slight sneer on his face. "I've always thought journalists were a brighter sort. Don't you know by now that I despise Shizu-chan and will tell you nothing about him?"<p>

I ignore the slight against my profession and mental acuity, choosing instead to riposte politely. "If you weren't going to tell me anything, then why did you accept my request for an interview?"

The informant laughs and mumbles something that sounds vaguely like "oh humans, you never cease to amuse me". He replies, "Well, I have some information that might interest you, Niekawa-san. Although I refuse to personally divulge any information on the protozoan, I know some people that will be… _highly _cooperative." He seems like he's going to say more, but the woman from before returns carrying a tray with a teapot and two mugs. She pours steaming tea into one and hands it to me.

"Oh, thank you." I take the proffered mug and sip from it slowly.

"Ah, Namie, only for the guest, I don't feel like drinking any," the informant says lightly, stopping his assistant from pouring a second cup. For some reason he smirks as 'Namie' shrugs and as she imperiously strides out of the room.

"Orihara-san, you don't want any?" I ask, puzzled. Perhaps he is the coffee sort?

"I avoid consuming anything that Namie makes," the man explains cheerfully, "because she has this _nasty_ little habit of constantly trying to poison me, you see! Are you enjoying your tea, Niekawa-san? I'm sure my _only_ teapot was used with _great_ love and _care_ while she brewed this for the _both of us_."

Orihara smiles widely when I splutter, and I resist the strange impulse to throw the possibly lethal cup of tea at his face. Instead of pondering why I feel the sudden urge to take Orihara with me to the hospital, I latch onto his previously mentioned offer albeit with slight suspicion. "You know people that are familiar with Heiwajima-san and would be willing to tell me about him?" I inquire while surreptitiously placing the half-finished mug onto the coffee table in front of me. I also contemplate calling Poison Control before I decide that there is probably no real threat to my health. Orihara seems like the pranking kind.

"Despite Shizu-chan's monstrous tendencies, he has quite a number of fans," Orihara says, still smiling blithely as if joking about the possibility of me suddenly dropping dead in his office is _fun fun fun_. "For some reason, the brute has a _fan club_." His face contorts disdainfully at the last two words. "Imagine that! The Heiwajima Shizuo _Fan Club_. A brutish Neanderthal with a _fan club_. Humans irrationally revere the strangest things." He pauses. "The exception being humans who are members of the Orihara Izaya Fan Club, of course."

Ignoring the ego-tripping non sequitur tacked onto the end (and then ignoring the subsequent pout caused by my deliberate ignorance), I ask, "So is there a leader of this fan club that I can interview?"

"Yes, there is a leader, but his or her identity is unknown and apparently he or she refuses all interviews," the informant explains sullenly, seemingly sulking over the fact that I didn't ask about _his_ fan club. "It would be easier for you to just interview some members instead. In fact, you've already met some of them!" He hands me a list of neatly written names. "Just tell them you're a new member of the _fan club_ –" a slight facial spasm "—and they will tell you everything you want."

"Thank you, Orihara-san." I stand up from the sofa and bow, putting the list into my coat pocket. "I will get started immediately."

"Ah, about that…" He nonchalantly picks up his phone and dials a number before turning back to face me. "You will probably need to wait a day or two, Niekawa-san."

Then the same grin from before reappears, and I feel a sinking sensation in my stomach. Actually, the whole general area, which makes me sweat from anxiety. Or is the sweat from something else? I conclude the latter once I hear Orihara cheerfully say, " Shinra-kun~ I have a patient for you!"

Before I pass out, I vow to never accept tea from informants' assistants ever again in the future.


	3. The Doctor's and the Courier's Stories

[ _?_ ]

I blink and find myself in an unknown apartment, lying on a sofa. It takes me a few seconds to remember the incident I shall henceforth label in my mind as The Mad Tea Party. I make to sit up, but a dizzy spell prevents me from doing so.

"Ah, Niekawa-san, nice to see you among the living!" chirps a bubbly (and borderline obnoxious, although that might've just been because my head was pounding) voice from somewhere to my left.

Craning my head sideways, I see a young man wearing glasses and a labcoat walking toward me. Straining my memory, I recall the name spoken by Orihara when he was on the phone. I croak, "Are you… 'Shinra-kun'…?"

The other man smiles. "Yes, that's me. I guess Izaya-kun probably mentioned me somehow. Did he say bad things about me? But never mind that, it's a good thing he called me." He starts to prattle on and on about medicinal jargon I don't understand, so I ignore him. Ignoring people when they are talking isn't exactly a great thing to do as a journalist, but I have a headache that the assumed doctor seems to be worsening instead of helping.

A quick jab to the gut shuts the man up – or at least interrupts his impromptu medical soliloquy – and I say gratefully, "Hello again Celty-san."

"What? You know my Celty honey?" Suddenly, Shinra pulls out a scalpel from somewhere and I can't help but feel quite intimidated. "She's going to be _my_ wife so don't look at her like th – ow ow ow ow Celty it huuuuurtsss…"

Celty gives Shinra another tug on the ear for good measure before typing me a message. [ _Sorry about him. He is an idiot._ ] Both of us ignore the wounded gasp from Shinra, and Celty continues typing. [ _I brought you here the day before yesterday because Izaya called us. I'm glad to see that you seem to be feeling better._ ]

"Thank you very much," I say to both of them, wishing I had the energy to stand up and bow.

Turning around, Celty gives Shinra a message on her PDA which I can't read. However, Shinra responds to it, "But Celty, even though he's a journalist to interview us, I need to protect you in case he's a pervert that – no I'm not going to cut him with the scalpel, it was just for dramatic effe – of course I'm not an alien, Celty honey, where did you get that idea fr – no I'm sure I wasn't going to cut him… okay, I was thinking about it, but – ow ow ow ow Celty my honey that really hurts please stop ouch ouch…!"

I pick out one useful sentence in that confusing conversation. "Wait… are you both members of the Heiwajima Shizuo Fan Club?"

Shinra grins brightly. "Yes we are! Kishitani Shinra and Celty (touch her and I will cut you with my scalpel you bastard) at your service, here to answer your questions about Shizuo-kun!"

* * *

><p><strong>The Doctor and the Courier: Kishitani Shinra's and Celty's Stories<strong>

* * *

><p>"So… how did you meet him?" I ask curiously.<p>

"Shizuo-kun and I were friends back in school," Shinra says, now sitting across from me and next to Celty on another sofa. "Because of me, he met my Celty as well!" The maniacal glint in his eyes which I now associate with his deranged love returns. "Ah, I had to warn him not to touch her though because she's _my_ Celty honey and _nobody touches my Celty _because she's – ouch! C-Celty, my stomach can't take any more loving abuse from you…"

[ _I saw Shizuo a lot when he was a young child, because he and Shinra were often together. _ _We didn't really talk to each other until he grew a bit older. _] Celty pauses in thought before she continues to type. [ _I think it was around middle school that we became friends._ ]

"If you saw each other so often, why didn't you become friends earlier?" I shift into a more comfortable position, predicting that this conversation will take longer than I initially thought. My new stance also allows me to more easily dodge any sudden attacks from the doctor. I fervently hope he won't cut me with anything to 'defend' his love interest.

"Celty my honey, I can answer this so your beautiful fingers do not tire from typ – ouch!" Shinra's jubilant pose crumples inward as he clutches his stomach for the umpteenth time in the past hour. Looking back at me, he says, "Shizuo-kun isn't a very sociable person, so he rarely initiates conversations. He's not a very talkative by nature, and many people find him intimidating, so it's not that surprising that he and Celty became friends much later. (I'm glad they became friends later, otherwise I might have needed to take some _drastic measures_.) My Celty doesn't talk very much either, so that may also be a factor as well."

I feel tempted to comment on how Celty doesn't seem to talk_ ever_, but I fear the return of the scalpel and say something else instead. "Then how did you become his friend?"

[ _He wouldn't stop bothering Shizuo._ ] Celty answers. Shinra looks like a wounded puppy again, and we both ignore him. [ _But I guess Shizuo eventually got used to Shinra's antics._ ]

"Antics? This is how I express my _love_, Celty!" The amorous beginnings of a hug.

[ _Shenanigans, then._ ] The violent end of a hug that never starts.

I clear my throat, interrupting their lovers' tiff. "I already have Celty-san's opinion from my last interview with her, but I want to hear your opinion, Kishitani-sensei."

Shinra makes a face. "(When did you speak with _my Celty_ she's mine! Mine!) Please, just call me 'Shinra-kun'. 'Kishitani-sensei' sounds so stuffy. And I'm definitely not stuffy, _right Celty my lo_ – ah Celty it hurts please stop punching me in the stomach…" He wipes away tears of pain from his eyes and readjusts his glasses. "So Niekawa-san, what do you want to ask me?"

I manage not to sound too excited as I say, "Can you tell me what you think of Heiwajima-san's strength?"

The eccentric doctor's face lights up. "Shizuo-kun's strength? I think it is a _fascinating_ medical phenomenon. I have some theories as to why he is so strong, but I'll never know for sure because he keeps refusing to be examined by me!" The scalpel is somehow back in his hand (when? I never saw him take it out!) and he gazes longingly at it in contemplation. "Oh Shizuo, why won't you let me dissect you?" he laments most morosely. "I've asked you so many times and you refuse each request…" He sniffles a bit.

Celty types a message to Shinra which I can see from my seat. [ _Dissection while alive is unpleasant._ ]

"The correct term is vivisection, Celty my dear."

[ _You know what I mean. Don't do strange operations on Shizuo! You'll be like an alien!_ ]

"But Celty my honey, he has such a high pain threshold that he probably wouldn't even notice! I _must cut inside him_ to see how he works!" Shinra suddenly leaps off the sofa and starts brandishing his scalpel, making me squawk in an admittedly unmanly fashion. "For the sake of science I need to investigate! He's interfering with _science_, Celty! At least a blood sample! Just a blood sample! If only he'd let me cu – _ow_ Celty, what if you give me ulcers in the fut – ouch ouch ouch!"

I have the strong desire to leave at this point, after the implications of Shinra vivisecting and Celty being vivisected at one point. Also, the prospect of remaining in the same room as a scalpel-happy nutcase and the paranoid and overprotective focus of his affection seems dangerous. Especially since his constant muttering puts me on edge. As Shinra continues to babble about cutting, I am strongly reminded of the Slasher incidents and immediately decide that I definitely _do_ want to leave. "Well, thank you for your time, both of you," I say quickly, standing up and wobbling only slightly.

"Eh? You're already leaving?" Shinra exclaims. "(Then I can finally have some alone time with my Celty you cockblocking reporter!) Have a safe trip home!" He waves cheerily as if he wasn't muttering psychopathically to himself for the entire interview.

Celty turns her helmet towards me and types, [ _Take care, Niekawa-san._ ]

Remembering a thought from a while ago, I say quickly, "W-wait! Sorry this question is unrelated but…" I scratch my head sheepishly. "Celty-san, are you a magician?"

[ _No of course not. Why do you ask?_ ] Celty's helmet tilts as in a questioning gesture.

I laugh nervously – _not_ thinking about possibly headless women – and bow as deeply as my still rather delicate stomach allows. "Ah… never mind then. I'll take my leave now."

No longer paying attention to me, Shinra starts talking to Celty with the crazy glint back in his eyes. "Celty my honey, what was your opinion on Shizuo's strength that you told Niekawa-san? What? You complimented him that much? You think he's that _amazing_? A gun? So then what am I? _Eh_, I'm just a laser pointer? What? Why! 'Because you keep pointing out useless things and you're annoying to look at' – ah Celty my love_ I am so offended_ that Shizuo has _stolen your admiration_ when I will be your husb – no I am perfectly aware I am in the Heiwajima Shizuo Fan Club, but it's a purely medical fascination while on the other hand it seems like you have fallen for h – _oooooooowwww_ Celty why must you make our love so _painful_?"

I shut the apartment door behind me hastily.


End file.
